The World is Ending this April


I’m being over dramatic. I really am. And usually I don’t put much weight in the word of astrology in terms of how it affects me on a day to day basis–but, with how horrible my month is going right now I can only assume that because FOUR PLANETS ARE IN RETROGRADE, they are the reason why everything is going crazy.

Now, you ask me, what is retrograde? What does it mean for a planet to be in retrograde? Well let me explain.

Retrograde motion is an APPARENT change in the movement of the planet through the sky. It is not REAL in that the planet does not physically start moving backwards in its orbit. It just appears to do so because of the relative positions of the planet and Earth and how they are moving around the Sun.” (NASA)


(I think all these photos of space are pretty so I’m just going to insert them willy-nilly.)

Yes everyone I did just cite NASA–because I trust NASA on science things more than any other organization. Biases, biases. But let’s see you build a rocket that can leave Earth’s atmosphere and orbit the Earth (Yes SpaceX, I’m talking to you).

Okay, so which four planets? Well it’s:

Venus (who has been in retrograde since March 4)

Saturn (who only goes into retrograde once a year, so why in the world did it have to be the same month as 3 other planets? Who knows, maybe the universe hates us and because 2017 is the weirdest year to happen, ever).

Mercury (the ever-infamous Mercury, which apparently goes into retrograde all the time in order to screw up our lives and make everything inconvenient. Of course, it would also pick this month-YAY US).

and Finally…Pluto (who is not even technically a planet anymore but I grew up learning that Pluto is a planet and so I will stick to that, also it still orbits around the Earth just like all the other planets and thus its gravity also affects their movements aka the vibes that are sent out in the universe that have basically been screwing us over this month).


Now, all these planets will be in retrograde until May. Which basically means the month of April is a tidal wave of bad things happening.

And a lot of bad things did happen.

I got my first B- on a Quiz and Paper in my history class (which sounds okay to most college students but I’m trying to get into Harvard Law here, and I can’t do that if I’m performing on the same level of mediocrity as the people who believe that “C’s get degrees”–okay?!?!?!? [can you tell how much Law school stresses me out??]–no offense to people who don’t need to go to grad school and are just cruising-go you, I don’t have the same luxury).

I slept through several of my alarms and was 10 minutes late to my German class (yes, I’m learning German) and 30 minutes late to my Social Sciences class (on another day).

My car broke down, got a scratch in the parking lot, and I ran out of gas on the way TO THE GAS STATION (irony..?).

Not to mention this is the month my period comes, so I’ve just been on a rollercoaster of emotions of which I am having a harder than usual time handling because of all the bat-shit crazy stuff going on in my life (besides my failing grades and missing classes, which I won’t talk about because I get super heated just thinking about it).

Anyways, in an effort to try and balance out the negative vibrations that are being sent through the universe because of the four planets retrograding and put my spiritual balance back on a firm equilibrium–I have become desperate and purchased healing crystals. 

Yes, healing crystals.

I know. But at this point, I’m so desperate I’d perform a pagan rooster sacrifice. Except I don’t know where to get a live rooster. So, that plans moot. 


Moral of the Story: Prepare yourself for the rest of this month (even though there are only a few days left–oops. HAHA) Buy some crystals. Perform a few voodoo spells. Maybe even do a pagan ritual sacrifice (ROOSTERS NOT PEOPLE OKAY). Meditate. Do what you have to do to get over this month and hopefully, May will be better. 



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