Confessions of a Professional ….Procrastinator

Okay, can I just start off by saying that I’ve put this post off for quite a while because I didn’t have time to write it/ I was busy doing other things? 

HAH. 

Anyway. Procrastination. The beautiful process in which one waits until the very last minute to complete any project/assignment/task–to the point of which it is inappropriate and would otherwise be severely debilitating to the quality of work for your average, normal person. 

But professional procrastinators like myself? We’re not average, normal people. The same work that other people need two weeks to get done we can do in two days. Sometimes two hours if the timing really calls for it.

I know that sounds arrogant, but when you’ve managed to get straight A’s after spending semester after semester putting off papers until the last minute–you get a little over confident.

I’m sure one day it’ll come to bite me in the ass, but today is not that day.

ANYWAY.

Professional Procrastinators? They know the fastest way to do something with the least amount of effort and how to get the maximum results in the end. Because why would you want to put in a bunch of effort and basically exhaust yourself and your time, when you could be doing other things?

Minimal effort, maximum results my friends.

You just have to know what the right ratio is for you in order to get those maximum results. 

Here’s the thing, we, or at the very least I, thrive off the last minute panic and stress. The anxiety slowly builds until I have no choice but to unleash all my stress on the very thing I had been avoiding. And all that anxiety, annoyance, anger, stress (etc. etc.) directed at one thing? It’s a firestorm that burns everything in its way and leaves a perfect paper/project/task completed in its wake. 

Now, sure, it could be stressful if the only thing that you’re thinking about is that paper or project for weeks on end. But here’s the beautiful thing, because I know I’m not going to do the assignment until the day before anyway (and one time, the hour before), I just don’t think about it. I go on, doing what I want to do (whether that’s going to the beach, going shopping, taking a hike, etc.) and don’t worry about it until I absolutely have to. I let the anxiety start hitting me the week of, and then unleash everything the day before. 

Surprisingly, it’s worked so far. 

Let me just put a disclaimer out here: this is not a permission for everyone to start procrastinating and putting off their assignments until the last possible point. Unless you’ve had years of training in this art form, if you’re just a normal person who suddenly starts procrastinating you’re going to fail.

Your brain isn’t trained or even hard wired in this way. There’s no way you’ll be able to function when nothing has ever prepared you to take on the surge of adrenaline and panic that comes with procrastination.

Most likely, you’ll fail or go into a nervous break down. Maybe both. So don’t think, “oh, she could do it, so I can do it to.” It doesn’t work like that honey.  You need to be realistic about what you can and cannot actually do. A lot of people don’t and that’s why they fail.

As a Professional Procrastinator, I’m acutely aware of my mental and physical capabilities given a set amount of time, it’s how I function in high pressure situations. But unless you are acutely aware of yourself, your limitations, and the full breadth of your mental faculties–I wouldn’t suggest making any grand leaps in intelligence because you are surely to fall short.

And plummet. Far, far, far down. Unlikely to recover and destined to be locked behind the bars of a dirty asylum or within the confines of your psychiatrist’s office, asking yourself, “Where did it all go wrong?”

Okay, that’s a bit extreme but you get the picture, don’t you?

So moral of the story sweethearts, unless you’ve been practicing the art of procrastination since your elementary days, I suggest you stick to your day job and keep to your regular routine. There’s enough people having mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks–we really don’t need more. 

 

 

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